Why I Loathe Beach Cruisers

So this is basically an interim post, which I wanted to get done while I’m still working on a longer post on my recent road trip to Yosemite. This post is solely dedicated to how infuriating UCSB’s most prominent form of travel, The Beach Cruiser, can be.

Grrrrrr…….

Source: http://dea-training.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/pink_lani_cruiser_pink_beach_cruiser_bicycle_1__89433.jpg

Here are my reasons:

  1. They’re obscenely big. 
    When parked in a bike rack, Beach Cruisers take up roughly 2 spaces: the space they park in, and half a space either side of them, due to their ridiculous handlebars. Inefficient use of space sucks, especially when people start flocking to the library during Finals Season, and there are spaces… you just run the risk of trapping yourself in a Beach Cruiser-cage when locking your bike up.
  2. You’re taking up all the road, man….
    Ok, so the riders are partly to blame for this as well, but linked to the above, if you’re unlucky enough to be caught behind some Beach Cruiser…. well…. cruising…. in the middle of the bike path, good luck with over/undertaking them my friend. You can hold up entire lengths of the bike path with one well-placed Beach Cruiser.
  3. They’re stupidly heavy.
    With one gear, large handlebars and frames, these leviathans move slower than this thing from Star Wars:

    Seriously, Beach Cruisers are SO SLOW. It takes about five minutes to get the buggers moving, and very soon you reach top speed- IE , just faster than a relaxed walking pace. Their ability to traverse gentle hills is almost non-existent. Essentially, they’re just an incredible waste of energy: the physical effort to resulting speed and mobility ratio is pathetic. Get a road bike, and eat the road before you, in comparison. You’ll never see cycling the same way again, promise.

  4. Chatty Cathys…
    Ok, so this one is definitely on the riders, but so many Beach Cruiser owners seem quite content to dawdle along the path, mobile phone stuck to the sides of their faces, snaking all over the path, and basically exacerbating/causing Number 2. This isn’t a problem until their reduced concentration, one-handed control of the handlebars or abysmal braking reaction speed causes numerous near misses at roundabouts/bottlenecks around campus. Save it till you get to your destination guys, show a bit of consideration- surely it can wait a few more minutes?!
  5. Overloaded baskets
    I guess one of the practical aspects of Beach Cruisers is the ability to attach baskets to them. Sure, being able to sling your bag or books into this basket is great. But when people start piling it high with backpacks, laptop cases, handbags and a Starbucks balanced precariously on top, things have gotten a tad ridiculous…. And when items begin to slip out mid-journey, and the riders make emergency stops, and lurch down to grab their escape-artist possessions, they wonder why the people riding behind them get miffed.

So, for these reasons, I absolutely loathe Beach Cruisers. Yes, their large seats are super comfortable. Yes, they look kind of cool. Yes, I think several people enjoy feeling like a boss as they cruise up and down sun-drenched Isla Vista streets, heading down to Sands Beach, or to Woodstocks for a pitcher of cold beer. But seriously, students of UCSB, please tell me- how many of you genuinely enjoy travelling on these things? Struggling to find parking spots among all the normal-sized bicycles? Arriving in class 5 minutes late, sweaty and red in the face, because your tank-esque bike is not friends with the hill near Student Health?

I’d wager quite a few.

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